soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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