The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
