Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
