My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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