i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
