Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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