If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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