Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
My balls are so social today.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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