I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
