he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
