I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
