Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
