Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
