when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
