tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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