she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
