I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
