sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
