At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
