woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Dicks are not precious.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
