I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
