hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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