your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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