Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
