i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
