Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
