you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
