hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
