i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
