Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
