Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
