I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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