in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
