Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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