ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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