I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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