I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
