the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
