so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
