everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
there was a trapeze. enough said
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
