I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
