She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
