I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
