I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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