If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
