remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
