ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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