I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
