He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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