U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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