I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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