I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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